Happy New Year! Let’s hope this new year will see us repair the things that went wrong last year, a thought I’ll return to a little later.
First, we start with the end of an episode of Bernard.
There’s a trail for Films at 4pm.
Then, it’s Secret Show – Who Stole Switzerland.
As usual, Granny and her fluffy bunnies are removed to clear the timeslot.
After a downhill ski chase in Switzerland, Victor and Anita fall from a cliff and land, somehow, in Paris. It soon becomes obvious that someone has stolen Switzerland.
I love the very specific debris that falls around them.
“They’re gonna hit Russia!” “Hey, we’re Swiss. We never hit anyone!”
Gravity Thieves are sucking up all the Gravity from the different countries, leaving them to float off. This is a totally accurate representation of our current understanding of physics.
Victor and Anita manage to get a Gravity Sucker from one of the thieves. Back in the lab, Professor Professor tries it out on Victor.
The commander’s name today is Lamby Wammikins.
During the briefing, the gravity is disappearing.
Victor and Anita stow away on one of the gravity tankers, and end up on Mars.
“You stole Earth’s gravity just so you could have falling down parties?”
“We must find their leader.”
Pretty soon, debris from Earth starts falling. If they don’t do something about the stolen gravity soon, all the countries will crash into Mars.
“I think I’ve bonded with them.”
Antarctica is going to hit.
Why is every programme we’ve watched recently about something large heading for a planet?
Anita and Victor hitch up the Gravity tankers, fill them with Earth’s stolen gravity, and head up, spraying the falling countries with the gravity, which has the effect of making them reverse and head back to Earth.
This is far less catastrophic than I’d imagined it might be. Which is nice.
So all that’s left is for Professor Professor to ask “I wonder what this button does?”
Media Centre Description: Comedy series for children about two agents in a top-secret organisation. Martian gravity thieves are sucking up the Earth’s gravity into trucks and flying it off the planet. Entire countries are now floating around, weightless. Meanwhile, Mars is becoming so gravitational that all the Earth’s countries are slowly being sucked towards it on a collision course! Victor and Anita must get the Earth’s gravity back before the two planets collide.
Recorded from CBBC Channel on Tuesday 1st January 2008 07:38
BBC Genome: CBBC Channel Tuesday 1st January 2008 07:40
After this, there’s a trail for Hider in the House.
Then the recording stops with the start of Batfink.
The next recording starts with the end of Chucklevision.
There’s a trail for Hider in the House.
Then, we have an episode of SMart – Sticky. We’ve seen this before but it was a Hard of Hearing broadcast. So here’s what I wrote with new images.
Kirsten and Mark make a picture of a Tree Frog.
There’s an Arty Towers segment, which we haven’t seen before, so this could be a new series. Kirsten makes a shaving foam picture.
And Mark uses Kirsten’s toothpaste to make a picture.
Kirsten looks at the art and architecture of Charles Rennie Mackintosh.
She makes some Mackintosh-inspired sugar art.
Enhancing Barney on the TV.
Kirsten does some Batique on a T Shirt.
Morph can’t get rid of a piece of sticky paper.
Mark makes a Honey Bear Mosaic.
Kirsten becomes a Human Paintbrush to make a big picture.
The big floor picture is Pegasus, accompanied by the theme tune to Black Beauty – one for the parents, definitely.
Media Centre Description: Mark Speight and Kirsten O’Brien present the programme that turns everyday objects into exciting and easy-to-make pictures, as well as answering art queries. Mark has tips on how to ‘toon yer telly’ and Kirsten makes a sweet and sticky Charles Rennie Mackintosh-inspired design.
Recorded from CBBC Channel on Tuesday 1st January 2008 11:58
BBC Genome: CBBC Channel Tuesday 1st January 2008 12:00
The next recording is The Best of Riverdance. What can I say, I’m a sucker for some highly synchronized noisy dancing, and I do happen to think Bill Whelan’s original Riverdance music is truly great.
Media Centre Description: Gabriel Byrne introduces this documentary which looks back at the phenomenal success enjoyed by Riverdance, the hit show that began as a seven-minute interval act during the Eurovision Song Contest.
Recorded from Sky Three on Tuesday 1st January 2008 16:27
After this, the recording stops with the start of The Dog Whisperer.
The next recording starts with BBC Three starting, with a trail for The Baby Borrowers On Holiday.
Then – remember what I said about repairing last year’s wrongs? Here’s my chance. I thought I hadn’t got a recording of the Doctor Who Christmas Special – Voyage of the Damned but that’s because when I searched, I searched for the exact title Doctor Who, and this one is listed, as you can see, as Doctor Who Christmas Special. Perhaps that’s Media Centre Metadata’s way to give me a redemption arc? Whatever the reason, I’m delighted to get to watch this again. I believe it’s still the highest rated episode of the revival, unless Day of the Doctor beat it.
The episode starts with a recap of the end of the last episode of series 3, with the Tardis getting hit by a ship called Titanic. He fixes the damage without any fuss, and lands the Tardis on the boat. It’s all very sumptuous, but definitely not the actual Titanic, There’s tiny, almost imperceptible clues like the golden robotic angels.
There’s also a red spiky-faced alien among the guests.
But the biggest clue is the view from the window onto planet Earth far below. That and the announcement. “Attention all passengers. The Titanic is now in orbit above Sol 3, also known as Earth, population – Human. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas!”
Also, remember how big this moment was? Getting Kylie Minogue as a guest star for the Christmas episode was a massive deal. I believe it came about because her Creative Director was a huge fan of the show, and had actually put Doctor Who references into some of her shows, so the production team took a chance and asked if she wanted to appear.
On the bridge, the Captain of the ship, Captain Hardaker, is played by Geoffrey Palmer. It’s Christmas Eve so he dismisses his bridge crew to got and have a drink.
Only young Midshipman Frame remains, played by Russell Tovey, on his first assignment and keen to enjoy every minute.
There’s an ad for the cruise line, and its CEO, Max Capricorn, played by George Costigan, complete with a gold tooth which flashes when he says his catchphrase – “My name is Max.”
One of the golden angels, known as the Host, malfunctions, so it’s bundled off below decks for repair. The Chief Steward is cross as it’s not the first one. “That’s eight of them now, on the blink. One woman asked the Host to fix her necklace, it almost broke her neck. In first class!” “I’ve been over the robotics, nothing. It’s like something’s got into them, some kind of bug.” “Tell you what, if you can’t fix them, throw them overboard.” As he walks away, the Host in question suddenly looks round.
The Doctor meets Astrid Peth, co-star Kylie Minogue, who’s working as a waitress and getting a hard time from some of the more obnoxious passengers. I seem to remember some fans getting very excited that Astrid is an anagram of Tardis. They do that kind of thing a lot, which is probably why the most recent series leant into it rather heavily. Anyway, Astrid has always wanted to see the universe. “Spent three years working at the spaceport diner, travel all the way here, and I’m still waiting on tables.” “No shore leave?” “We’re not allowed, they can’t afford the insurance. I just wanted to try it, just once… I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars. And I always dreamt of… It sounds daft.” “You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life, a whole universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there’s all that life out there?”
The Doctor meets a couple of passengers – Morvin and Foon Van Hoff (Debbie Chazen and Clive Rowe). They’re getting hassle from some of the other passengers because they won their tickets in a phone in quiz.
The Doctor uses his psychic paper to get a place on a visit to the Earth’s surface via teleport, and brings Astrid along. The tour is led by the ship’s expert Earthologist, Mr Copper, who seems to be talking a lot of bollocks. “I shall be taking you to Old London Town in the country of Yookay. Ruled over by Good King Wenceslas. Now, human beings worship the great God, Santa, a creature with fearsome claws and his wife, Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of Yookay go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey-people for Christmas dinner. Like savages!”
The Doctor is a little concerned that Bannakaffalatta, the red alien, might attract some attention in a busy London street.
But when they appear, it’s looking a little quiet.
Astrid finds it terribly exciting being on a whole different planet. The Doctor talks to the man running a newspaper kiosk – and it’s Bernard Cribbins in his first appearance as Wilfred Mott. He tells the Doctor that nobody wants to stay in London after the last couple of years of alien invasions at Christmas. “So everyone’s scarpered, gone to the country. All except me, and Her Majesty.”
Nicholas Witchell is on the telly. “Her Majesty the Queen has confirmed that she will be staying in Buckingham Palace throughout the festive season, to show the people of London, and the world, that there’s nothing to fear.” “Gawd bless her” says Wilf.
The Captain drops the shields, Magnetises the hull, and attracts some meteors towards the ship, intending to cripple the ship. Midshipman Frame tries to stop him, but he shoots him (though not fatally). “You’re gonna kill us…” “I’m dying already. Six months. And they offered me so much money… ..for my family.”
The Doctor had spotted the shields were down, and was dragged away by the Chief Steward. Some of the other passengers, and Astrid, followed him, worried about what he was saying. So they’re out of the main ballroom when the meteors hit, and avoid the death and destruction.
Below Decks, they’ve survived the initial collisions. It’s chaotic. The Chief Steward takes control. “If you could all stay here, while I ascertain the exact nature of the…situation.” He opens a hatch, which is then open to Space, and he’s sucked out.
The Doctor tells Astrid he has a spaceship on board. Then he sees it floating towards Earth. It’s really time he added a homing signal so the Tardis can be summoned, but I guess that would reduce the jeopardy in a lot of stories.
Elsewhere in the ship, someone trapped under some debris calls to the Host to help him. But instead, they take off their metal halos and throw it at him, killing him.
The Doctor contacts the Bridge, where an injured Midshipman Frame answers. The ship’s Nuclear Storm engines are powering down, which will cause the ship to fall to Earth, so the Doctor tells him how to restart the engines.
The Doctor tells everyone they have to climb up through the ship to get to the Bridge, and also, if possible, find out why someone caused this catastrophe. The slimy financier Rickston Slade asks “Hang on a minute, who put you in charge? And who the hell are you, anyway?” “I’m the Doctor. I’m a Time Lord. I’m from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous, I’m 903 years old, and I’m the man who’s going to save your lives and all six billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?” “No.” “In that case… allons-y!”
On the way, the Van Hoffs try to fix a Host. Foon confesses to Morvin “I never told you… I dialled the competition line 5,000 times. That’s 5,000 credits, I might as well have paid for the tickets. I’ve been hiding the vone bill for months now.” “5,000 credits? You spent 5,000 credits?” “Don’t hate me.” He laughs. “What’s so funny?” “5,000? We’ll never pay that off.” “I know!” “We’ll have to work for 20 years! You mad bloody woman!” “You’re not cross?” “Does it matter? Well, look at us! You drive me barmy! I don’t half love you, Mrs Van Hoff.”
Astrid discovers that Bannakaffalatta is secretly part cyborg, and is ashamed of it. “No, but everything’s changed, now! Cyborgs are getting equal rights. They passed a law, back on Sto, you can even get married.” “Marry you?” “Well, you can buy me a drink first! Come on, let’s recharge you.”
The Doctor contacts Frame again, who’s monitoring lifesigns. He’s discovered that the Host have started murdering survivors. The one being repaired reactivates, and immediately starts trying to kill them. They have to escape, and kill it by dropping a girder on it. Before it dies the Doctor finds out that the commands are coming from Deck 31.
The Doctor talks to Mr Copper. “Mr Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where’s it from?” “Honestly? Just between us. Mrs Golightly’s Happy Travelling University And Dry Cleaners.” “You lied to the company? To get the job?” “I wasted my life on Sto. I was a travelling salesman, always on the road, and I reached retirement with nothing to show for it, not even a home. And Earth sounded so…exotic.”
They have to cross a rather dangerous walkway.
Rather shockingly, Morvin steps on a broken panel, and falls to his death in the Nuclear Storm engine.
They have to fight off flying Host.
Bannakaffalatta overcomes his cyborg shame to save everyone by unleashing an electromagnetic pulse.
But the power drain kills him. Mr Copper takes out his EMP transmitter, and basically says “It’s what he would have wanted.”
One of the Host is still alive. The Doctor manages to confuse it into answering questions, which now seems a bit like telling an AI to reveal its original instructions, something you can do with a lot of chatbots. He doesn’t learn much with his three questions, then before the host can kill him, Mrs Van Hoff grabs it with a rop and jumps off the platform, saving the Doctor at the expense of her own life. This really is a brutal episode.
Before he heads off to find out who’s controlling the host on deck 31, Astrid has a quiet moment with the Doctor. “I was thinking, that blue box is kind of small, but… I could squeeze in it. Like a stowaway.” “It’s not always safe.” “So you need someone to take care of you. I’ve got no-one back on Sto, no family. Just me. So what d’you think? Can I come with you?” “Yeah. I’d like that, yeah.”
“There’s an old tradition on Planet Sto…” “Yeah, that’s a…very old tradition”
The Doctor gets the Host to take him to whoever is in charge, on Deck 31. Astrid, Copper and Slade get to reception, and Astrid uses the teleport to take her to deck 31 so she can help the Doctor.
It’s not a big surprise that the person who orchestrated the strike on the Titanic was Max Capricorn himself. He’s a cyborg himself, and has been pushed out of his own company, so he’s set the Titanic to crash into Earth so the company will be ruined and the managers will be thrown in prison.
Capricorn orders the engines shut down so the Titanic will crash. But Astrid attacks him with a forklift truck.
She sacrifices herself to kill Capricorn and save the Doctor.
There’s a montage of the remaining characters hanging on for dear life as the ship is heading for the Earth. Then the Doctor (being a cool guy) walks away from explosions, holds his arms out is a rather messianic pose, clicks his fingers, and two Host grab him and start flying up towards the Bridge.
The Doctor learns that Midshipman Frame’s name is Alonso, so he can finally say “Allons y, Alonso”. He tries to get the ship under control as if plunges towards Earth.
It’s actually plunging towards Buckingham Palace. The Doctor contacts the palace to warn the Queen. He manages to restart the engines just in time to pull up and miss the palace. “Thank you, Doctor! Thank you! Happy Christmas.”
Now the ship is safe, the Doctor realises that Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet when she fell, so the teleport signal might still have her signal on file. But there’s not enough power. So the Doctor has to say goodbye to Astrid again. “Astrid Peth. Citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars and dreamt of travelling. There’s an old tradition. Now you can travel forever. You’re not falling, Astrid. You’re flying.”
Rickston Slade tells them that he’s made a fortune by investing is Capricorn’s competitors. Copper says “Of all the people to survive, he’s not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies… ..that would make you a monster.”
Copper is worried what will happen to him when the authorities discover that his degree is worthless, so the Doctor invites him to come down to Earth via teleport. Once there, he wonders “What am I supposed to do?” The Doctor asks to look at the credit card he used for the trips to the surface. “Well, it’s just petty cash. Spending money. It’s all done by computer, I didn’t really know the currency so I thought a million might cover it.” “A million? Pounds?” “Enough for trinkets.” “Mr Copper, a million pounds is worth 50 million credits.” “How much?!” “50 million and 56.” “I’ve got money.” “Yes, you have!” “Oh, my word.”
And that’s where my recording stops. But at least I had most of it. And it’s on iPlayer anyway.
Media Centre Description: When disaster hits the Titanic, the Doctor uncovers a threat to the whole human race. Battling alongside aliens, saboteurs, robot Angels and a new friend called Astrid, can he stop the Christmas inferno?
Recorded from BBC THREE on Tuesday 1st January 2008 18:58
BBC Genome: BBC THREE Tuesday 1st January 2008 19:00
The next recording is a movie, but it’s one we’ve seen already. It’s Jingle All the Way, a film I really quite like, although I know that’s a minority opinion. I’m just a sucker for Christmas.
Media Centre Description: Comedy about a father who decides to make amends for his long hours at the office by buying his son the Christmas season’s hottest new toy. Desperate to locate a ‘Turbo Man’, the frantic father stops at nothing to find one, battling it out with a mailman who is after the same toy.
Recorded from Film4 on Tuesday 1st January 2008 19:18
After this, there’s the start of Trading Places, when the recording stops.
The final recording today starts with the end of Holby City.
There’s a trail for Damages, the Glenn Close legal drama.
There’s also a scary Stranger Danger trail for Panorama – One Click From Danger.
Then we have the first episode of a new adaptation of Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility, adapted by Andrew Davies and presumably hoped to be as popular as the 1996 Pride and Prejudice which seems like a high bar. And since the Ang Lee/Emma Thompson adaptation is one of my favourite films, I think I might struggle to love this one quite as much.
They’re definitely front-loading the sauciness, with a pre-titles scene of a young man seducing a younger woman. “Do you truly love me?” “Trust me.” “Mrs Edwards…” “Mrs Edwards thinks you’re a child still. But we know better than that, don’t we?” Then it cuts to him riding off, and her staring out of the window. “But when will you come back?” “Soon. Very soon.” “But when?” I have no idea who these characters are, even being familiar with the story, but I’m sure this will end up causing someone problems.
The next scene is the death bed of Henry Dashwood. I didn’t recognise he was being played by Simon Williams, because this scene is filmed with the focus all over the place, no doubt to illustrate the feverish nature of Mr Dashwood.
With him are his three younger daughters, Elinor, Marianne and Margaret, along with their mother, his second wife.
His son John, played by Mark Gatiss, arrives. Henry entreats him to make sure his wife and daughters are looked after financially, since the law means he has to leave everything to his only son. So he asks his son to promise him he’ll help them. He doesn’t do anything sensible like actually writing his express wishes down, but I’m sure John will do everything in his power to ensure the women are looked after.
Unfortunately, his wife Fanny has other ideas, and doesn’t think he should give any money at all to the rest of the family. She’s a monster, and is beautifully played by my old school friend Claire Skinner.
John and Fanny arrive at Norland House, which is now theirs, and the other Dashwoods are felling like trespassers in what used to be their home. But it’s not all bad news, as Fanny’s invited her brother, Edward Ferrars to visit the house, and he duly arrives, surprising Elinor in the garden, in the delightful form of Dan Stevens. He’s not at all like his sister, and he develops a friendly relationship with the Dashwoods, particularly Elinor.
Marianne asks Elinor about Edward. Marianne thinks Edward has no passion. Elinor just tells her that Edward has made no mention of an engagement, Yet.
Fanny talks to Mrs Dashwood about Edward. “I just wanted to give you a little hint about my brother, Edward.” “I think he is enjoying his visit, Fanny.” “You must know that my mother, Mrs Ferrars, has very high hopes of him.” “I’m sure he will fulfil them.” “Both in terms of his career and his marriage. He will be expected to marry a young lady either of high rank or great fortune, preferably both.” “I see.” “His happiness will depend upon our mother’s wishes. If he goes against her, he will get nothing. So, you see, any young woman who tries to draw him in will find herself gravely disappointed. Just a little hint, Mary.”
As the Dashwoods are preparing to leave, having secured a cottage in Devonshire, Edward speaks to Elinor. “These last few weeks have been very happy ones for me.” “For me, too.” “In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.” “Yes.” “I’m very glad to have been able to offer you friendship at this difficult time. And I want you… ..to know that I… very much… ..value your friendship too.” It’s not the proposal that Elinor wanted. He puts a small package on the table. “Excuse me” he says, and leaves.
They arrive at Barton Cottage, in Devonshire. It’s a far cry from Norland. But they are visited immediately by Mrs Dashwood’s cousin, Sor John Middleton, played by Mark Williams. He’s the person who offered them the cottage and a bargain rent, to help them out.
He invites them to dine at Barton Hall with his family, until they get settled. It’s not entirely unselfish, as he and his wife are clearly starved of gossip, so the arrival of a family with young women must surely be a new source of conversation. While there, they are visited by a friend of Sir John’s, Colonel Brandon (played by David Morrissey. Before he arrives Sir John tells them “A military hero. Served in the East Indies. They say he had his heart broken and he has never looked at a woman since. Not in that sort of way, you know. But when he sees the Miss Dashwoods, I think we may find he has to change his mind.”
Next day, he visits them again. After hearing Marianne play piano the night before, he brings her some music. She looks at it. “I think you overestimate my abilities, sir” she says. He says “I think not.”
After a time, it’s clear Brandon has fallen for Marianne, but she’s mortified. He’s 35, she’s 17. So the next time he visits, Marianne goes on a long walk to avoid having to talk to him. In the pouring rain, where she falls and hurts herself. Luckily for her (and young Margaret who went with her, a man arrives and helps her, carrying her back to the cottage. He’s Willoughby, played by Dominic Cooper.
Next day, he visits again, and chats up Marianne with talk of poetry. She’s immediately smitten.
Colonel Brandon also visits, having heard of Marianne’s fall. When he sees Willoughby there, he doesn’t hang around. There’s a history there.
Media Centre Description: Dramatisation of Jane Austen’s novel. Mrs Dashwood is devastated when her husband dies. His estate and fortunte are bequeathed by law to his sone from a previous marriage. The Dashwoods start a new life in Devonshire. The eldest daughter, Eleanor, is upset to leave her sweetheart, while her younger sister, Marianne, quickly finds she has suitors to choose from.
Recorded from BBC ONE on Tuesday 1st January 2008 21:08
BBC Genome: BBC ONE Tuesday 1st January 2008 21:10
After this there’s a trail for Mistresses.
And a David Attenborough promo for iPlayer. Then the recording finishes with a few minutes of Jam and Jerusalem.
Here’s the ad breaks during Riverdance.
Here’s the ad breaks from Jingle All The Way.
Adverts:
- trail: Sky Real Lives
- Skills In Our Hands
- gocompare.com
- freshholidays.com
- First Choice Holidays
- Ultralase
- Peugeot 308
- Sky
- trail: Sky One
- Bath Store
- trail: Monarchy by David Starkey
- Chevrolet Captiva
- Norwich Union DIrect
- Abbey
- Acorn Stairlifts
- Scottish Widows
- trail: Sky Movies
- trail: Sky Real Lives
- Boots
- Homebase
- Sudocrem
- Head & Shoulders
- Nat West
- Actimel
- Ikea
- Vicks Cold and Flu Care
- Shredded Wheat – Ian Botham
- trail: Sky Sports Football
- trail: Hot Fuzz
- Argos
- Special K
- Herbal Essences
- Ikea
- Charmin
- Max Factor Miracle Touch
- Vicks Sinex
- Muller
- DatingDirect.com
- trail: Inside the Actors Studio
- trail: Sky Sports HD
- Homebase
- Bold 2in1
- Vicks Cold and Flu Care
- Fairy Pure Clean
- Vaseline
- Flash
- Oral B
- Head & Shoulders
- trail: Sky Sports
- Activia
- DiscoverAmerica.com
- Sony Centre
- parship.co.uk
- Kite Runner in cinemas
- MFI
- Charmin
- trail: Trading Places
- trail: Film 4
- trail: Carry On Doctor
- Nicotinell
- Energizer Lithium
- Sensodyne
- Pantene
- Land of Leather
- travelsupermarket.com
- Egg Card
- Nissan X-Trail
- Vaseline
- trail: Trading Places
- Skoda Fabia
- Beechams All In One
- First Choice Holidays
- Weightwatchers
- HMRC Self Assessment
- P&O Cruises
- Abbey
- Imodium Plus
- Kite Runner in cinemas
- trail: The Big Food Fight
- Sensodyne
- Cheestrings
- Slimthru
- Charlie Wilson’s War in cinemas
- Vaseline
- Just for Men
- Give Blood
- Nicotinell
- P&O Cruises
- trail: Carry On Doctor
- BMW 1 Series
- trail: Film 4